The Best Kind Of Facelift There Is!

Hey friends, I've given my blog a new facelift and a new home. You can find Freedom Union here:

http://www.celestefaye.com/celeste_faye_dickson/Welcome.html

I read Julia Child's My Life in France

After reading Foer's latest "Eating Animals" for some reason, I was drawn to reading a book that was about just that: eating animals. Julia Child's book "My Life in France" kind of jumped up and opened up in my hands while I was housesitting last month.

It is kind of a bizarre shift to go from reading books that inspire one to drop all animal products from the diet to another book that almost heralds eating animals and butter and dairy and animals stuffed inside of other animals coated with butter and basted in milk (and sometimes stewed in blood) and then (obviously) topped off with cheese. But Foer's book about the atrocities of the meat industry definitely gave me a new lens to view Child's book with.

And here's the thing...I really like Julia Child. I think if we were kicking it in France, we'd probably become good friends and I'd tell how great it is to be a lesbian and she'd cook me some food and we'd be pen pals for life. I really got behind her when she wrote:

"This is the kind of food I had fallen in love with. Not trendy, souped up fantasies, just something very good to eat. It was classic French cooking, where the ingredients have been carefully selected and beautifully and knowingly prepared. Or...'food that tastes of what it is'"

I think that Foer and Child could agree on this point. Food should taste of what it is.

I struggled with vegan "alternatives" (fake cheese, fake meat, processed soy...) and whether they were really better for me than the "natural" choices available...until I read Foer's book and realized how processed most animals actually are. Factory farmed chickens do not taste like "chicken" - a lot of that flavour has to get added in after the chicken is killed in order to keep the people eating it happy. It's actually quite weird and twisted and very far from this idea of "good" food. I wonder if we just let factory farmed chickens taste of what they actually were (ie; gross), how soon it would take people to revolt and demand a change.

Truth be told, I love food. I love cooking, I love trying fancy new recipies, I love watching my friends' faces when they eat something I made that tastes incredible (and then I love telling them it's vegan...that's my favourite). I also have this weird desire to always "do the right thing" (thank mom?) - so once you are armed with knowledge about the meat industry, it's hard to look back. This being said, I think if Julia Child were my peer, she'd be one kick ass, dynamite vegan chef! It blows my mind how incredible vegan food can taste and makes me wonder how we are still so married to our traditions of meat and dairy.

I think there is something of a revolution in the works and it's pretty exciting to see it starting.

The Bad Guys

My partner and I should have gone to bed last night, but instead we were sitting around the kitchen table and talking about her job. We were talking about something in regards to "snitching" - apparently this is a bit of an issue with the population that she works with and in particular understanding that sometimes it is actually GOOD to tell an authority figure about what is up and when someone may be in danger.

Anyway, this went around and around until finally we came to an important realization: we have to learn how to see the world in non-absolutes, in non black and white dichotomies.

And then I thought about the movie Crash (we just re-watched it the other day...go watch it if you haven't done so already).

Watch This Scene (to set it up, you have to know that the woman in the car crash was sexually harassed / molested a few days earlier by the cop who tries to save her)

The entire movie plays off this theme of there being no such thing as "a bad guy": the police are good and they are bad, the people who are heros do some terrible things, the people who you think are bad are really pretty decent, and all of us are suffering incredibly at the end of the day.

Usually when I think of themes for my yoga practice, I start with the small picture (what happens to me on my mat) and then zoom out to think about how this is true in my everyday life. But this kind of worked the other way around...I started to notice how easy it is to see my left or right side as the "bad" side, or how this one pose is "the devil pose" or how much I wish this pose would just disappear because clearly it was the span of satan (not naming any names).

All of the stuff that comes up in our practice is neither good nor is it bad, it just IS...we decide to put those labels on and thus frame our experience with the poses, our teachers, the person practicing next to us, our family, the police, our worlds...and consequently, we might be missing out on something because we have already decided what something is. And like in the movie, Crash, that something might just save your life...

On discipline and Einstein

While practicing, I am often thinking of the Pattabhi Jois quote: "Yoga is 99% practice and 1% theory". I like to remember this when I think that my legs are too long to properly do bhujapindasana or a decent jump through and then I remember that those people who actually have a strong, clear, and clean practice, had to work on it to get it.

And then sometimes I get a little self-congratulatory while in practice (inner monologue goes something like: Yes! I AM awesome! Look at me practicing. Pattabhi would be so so so proud of me. It doesn't matter if I suck at this pose, and that pose, and the one after that, I am freaking PRACTICING!"). And while I totally can sympathize with this expression of my own ego, I think I also have to remember that sometimes I stop "practicing" in a pose.

I'll be doing bhujapindasana, and always give up when my toes graze the floor and think to myself "well, that's all I can do today, whatever, it's over...NEXT POSE!" and quickly stop trying to "practice" getting the asana.

Practicing is as much about coming onto your mat everyday as it is being PRESENT on your mat everyday and actually trying to improve yourself, rather than just show up.

I think Albert E. would make a great yoga student. I think he kind of gets things about life that take a lot of us a long time to figure out. I love this quote...Einstein said "It's not that I'm so smart, I just stay with problems longer". 

So maybe having a strong practice is not about having a super bendy or super-human strength, but just having the willingness to stick with problems that come up a little longer.

Student-Teacher

I taught my first yoga class in over a year (see the sheer joy manifested as me in this picture)!

 I think I mentioned on here how I took a year off from teaching with the primary intention of being able to have a daily practice. It has been marvelous reveling in the joys of learning, being a student, practicing often, and exploring new aspects of this practice.

And when I asked for some teaching this summer, I started to get really nervous about teaching again...would I remember the series, would I remember how to speak in front of other people, would be totally awkward? These little fears (shall we call them fearlets?) were sounding freakier in my echoey head then they were in the bright sun of the day, because the class was great! 5pm, level 2, at the Danforth. Lots of regulars that I know before, lots of great moments, tons of smiling, and a really nice welcome back to the practice of sharing a practice.

The whole experience has me convinced of how important being a student is. Last night, I actually felt like I had REAL things to share with the class: ideas, sequences, insights, jokes...all that have been absorbed from the year of just focusing on my own practice. If I were nominated the yoga-police, I would make it mandatory for all teachers to have a daily practice. You just can't consistently give to your students without refueling yourself through asana.

I remember in school this past year (teachers college) writing a paper on inspiring students to develop lifelong literacy. One major theme through the reading I did to write the paper was the idea that we can't expect students to fall in love with reading if teachers themselves are not reading (or love reading). How can we expect our yoga students to develop an appreciation, a love, a commitment for a regular practice if their teachers don't have one?

Perhaps we need to change the name of teachers to be something of a hybrid of a teacher and a student (teachdent, studeacher, stutedenacher...none of these really sound that brilliant). There is something in a name and when we put ourselves in one category ("I am a TEACHER") it's easy to negate the other things that we also are (flawed, learning, discovering our own way, a student). I am a student and I am a teacher. I am learning and I am sharing. I have things that I know and skyscrapers could be filled with the things I don't know...

Who are you?

On Eating Animals (a book by Johnathan Safran Foer)

You know those books that you hear your Mom talking about, then that guy in the grocery store, then your boss, then your teacher...and you're like enough already, I get the hint, I should read this book! That's kind of what this book was like for me.

So a big disclosure to begin with: I'm a vegetarian, I have been since I was 16 when it sounded like the thing to do, the thing to help make me a little more unique during a time in my life when being unique was pretty much all there was to life. And I think that eventually I just got used to wearing the "I am a vegetarian" badge through high school and later into my university days that it made sense to just continue doing what I've just done for so long...and besides it just fit the rest of this "person" I was constructing: I had dreadlocks, I played ani songs on guitar, I was sensitive, and quirky and this was just part of me.

And while I have since flirted with both being a vegan and the occasional fish eater (I wondered if eating fish and eggs for protein was "better" for me than eating all that synthetic weird fake meat food and protein powder stuff I was eating), reading the book "Eating Animals" has helped to give me a bit of a leg to stand on in regards to understanding why avoiding meat (and animal products, as the author doesn't explicitly say that veganism is the way to go, he does suggest it subtly) is a good life choice.

"I assumed we'd maintain a diet of conscientious inconsistency. Why should eating be different from any of the other ethical realms of our lives? We were honest people who occasionally told lies, careful friends who sometimes acted clumsily. We were vegetarians who from time to time ate meat" (p. 9).

And that's just one of the things I've been left to wonder about: I don't consider myself to be a woman with loose morals, but I do honestly believe that I could stand to gain a little more integrity in my life...and yes, my diet is included in that. How do my food choices affect the way that I interact and behave in the world? I think that after reading this book, I can't honestly believe that what I put into my body has no repercussions other than the odd tummy ache, bloating, and mucus formations.

I wouldn't suggest this book to people who hate feeling uncomfortable. I wouldn't suggest this book to people who hate feeling challenged. I would never suggest this book to someone who was not open to the possibility of changing their habits and things they have just always done. I do think that this is a book that people concerned with waking up should read, as it does feel like once you know, there is no more pretending like you don't know.

Johnathan Safran Foer asks: "What did you do when you learned the truth about eating animals?" which just might beg us to put the notion of eating animals up against the atrocities of slavery, the holocaust, the horrors of the tobacco industry or forced child labour, which I know to some people seems like a ridiculous comparison, but they may just be as horribly appropriate as we fear.

Frank Jude, one of the best teachers I know, begs his students to ask themselves "what is at the centre of your mandala?" and after thinking a little about what was at mine (teaching, art, love, poetry, leslie, family, cuddling) Frank answered "Awakening is at the centre of mine" (which made everything I was thinking of seem incredibly lame). If waking up is at the centre of your mandala, please read this book...please read this book and then pass it on to as many other people you know - it just might be what helps us get out of this mess we've created.

On "Failure"

I had a splendid phone date with my platonic life partner who lives in Vancouver last night - and obviously we chatted most of the time about yoga.

For a bit of context, this is the woman who first introduced me to Moksha AND Ashtanga (what else are you going to introduce me to, lady?) and that has been with me for a lot of fun (and not so fun) life moments. We were talking about the idea of a daily practice and the guilt that can come along for the ride when we miss a day or two (or three or four) of practicing.

Clearly, we are both logical and intelligent enough women that we know that everyone is not going to laugh at us - but this idea of "failure" because we don't practice was definitely present in our experience

And I notice this with new teachers too during the 30 day challenge project as well. Often a day or two gets missed - that's life...but in a surprisingly large number of people's journals is written "I didn't practice today. I fail" - I mean, we wouldn't allow a young child to use this kind of self-deprecating language, so why is it any better for adults to?

Frank Jude, one of my favourite teachers and people in world reminded me of this when I would talk to him about meditation. He said something like: when you are practicing, be fully present in practicing. When you are not present, be fully present in the non-practicing. It's normal to feel guilt for not practicing, but guilt is kind of useless on its own unless it inspires you to change.

I like this and I share it with my students...and myself every time I miss a practice.

For the record though, I did practice today and did my best to be present in the practicing of the practice.

On Teaching

I took a year off from teaching yoga.

I was in school full-time (recently finished and love the sweet taste of freedom) and knew that it was either my personal practice or teaching that had to go...and personal practice won out. But in the time between actually teaching and now, I've been doing quite a bit of thinking in regards to what makes a good yoga teacher.










And while I can't help but watch this video over and over and laugh my face off, it really highlights for me how easy it is to be a terrifyingly awful yoga teacher. Maybe it is because it is too easy these days to become a teacher of yoga, maybe it is because there are just so many students hungry for yoga that they will take to anyone willing to share some poses with them, or maybe we just don't know what a good teacher is and because of that lack of modeling, have no idea how to blossom into something incredible ourselves.

In my job I get to read projects from new yoga teachers and am able to have some great conversations about what it means to become a yoga teacher (quite possibly the best job in the world). I read quite often the comment (or a variation of the comment): "I was resisting getting adjusted because I am a yoga teacher and I should be doing it right", which always makes me wonder...

What is it about being teacher implies that we are no longer a student?

What is it about being a teacher that suggests we actually know what we are doing?

What is it about being a teacher that feeds our own egos in this practice?

One of my favourite people, who runs a yoga studio in Uptown Toronto, commented on the number of students new to Ashtanga who call in to the studio saying "I'm really advanced and am worried that this practice is too easy...should I still come?" - something about this makes me wonder: do truly advanced students / teachers think of themselves as advanced? Who was it that said it is the wise man that knows he's the fool and the fool who thinks he's a wise man...

Maybe I'll never go back to teaching and maybe I will - but I know that I am always a student first and am a complete and utter fool about most things. 

Revelation of Kindness

I had a great revelation during my practice the other day...

My lower back was really stiff over the weekend and when I would walk, it actually felt like I was walking around with another (less mobile) person's spine. A very weird experience to actually WANT to hunch over because it relieve pain. And I skipped practice on Monday to "rest" I told myself.

And then I went back to practice on Tuesday, not promising myself anything, and to my surprise - my spine felt GLORIOUS after practice.  

Okay, maybe this picture of a "happy spine" is a little more creepy that it is illustrative, but regardless, it made me realize that sometimes we practice because we feel good and we want to celebrate that...but we should practice too when we feel like utter crap in order to start to feel better for ourselves. It's easy to be nice to your body when you feel great about it and what it can do, it's a real practice to be kind and loving and gentle with your body when you want nothing more than to hang out on the couch all day and moan about life.

I remember something someone told me when I worked as a camp counselor: the kids who are the hardest to love, need to most love. I am starting to realize that this applies to ourselves too: the days when we are the hardest to love are the days when we need to take care of ourselves the most. 

Everything is Okay

My practice was a little wonky today. In supta kurmasana, I felt a little POP in my spine. It's happened before and it's not really a huge deal...but in my head the second it happens, I'm convinced that I've slipped a disk or something. Kind of like after a Moksha class, when you are sweating like a crazy person and the humidity is high, my brain thinks that a saber-tooth tiger is going to attack me and goes into freak out mode. Silly brain...everything is okay.

More and more, my goals in yoga are to be able to continue practicing when I am an old woman:

And maybe my goals are also to wear snappy pink suits like this woman...maybe that's the secret to long-term wellness: snappy pink suits. I'm going to investigate this one.

The Effects of Whipping Cream

I have been trying to include more vegan flirtations in my diet. I used to think of myself as a "flexi-vegan": a person who really really thought that not eating dairy and eggs (in addition to her usual non-eating of meat) was an awesome idea and preferred to bake this way, but that when going home for the holidays, or around a really sexy looking piece of brie, wouldn't put up much of a fight.

But I am starting to have second thoughts about this.

We went home to my Mother's house for Easter dinner this weekend and had two scrumptious meals with my family. It was delightful and joyful and a I nearly died a little in my heart when I heard that the lasagna had four cups of whipping cream in it. That's some serious cream! I had these flash backs to a book I read (or a documentary I watched) about either Baskin or Robins, who had a heart attack at 50 due to all the ice creamy goodness he ate through his life. Nothing like a little paranoia to push you into eating better.

At this same dinner, we met Edison the cat. It might be hard to tell from these pictures, but Edison is definitely bigger than when I last saw him. Don't tell Edison, but he's looking like he ate another cat. Maybe he's been getting into the whipping cream...

Can you guess which one is Edison?

The Routine

I have been thinking a little about how important it is to establish routines in order to make a daily practice work...the following are some of the things which I love to do which 100% impedes the making of routines:

staying up until lord-knows-when
eating random things at random hours of the day (when you first get up / right before sleep)
loathing the idea of getting up at the same time everyday
loathing the idea of doing the same thing everyday
loathing the idea of routines (okay that one might be big...)

And yet, many things in my life require a certain amount of routines (school, yoga, eating vegan) - so finding out how to make those routines work is always interesting. I read a great big that Mo introduced me to called It Ain't Meat, Babe which just had this awesome post about how to organize yourself to do your weekly grocery run with all the meals in plan. Okay, loving the idea of grocery planning is definitely a huge sign of my own dork status, but it made me realize you have to infuse your routine (ie; eating nightly) with creative, change and fun. So even though I strive to practice daily, the time of day may change, the place may change, and maybe even sometimes the actual yoga that I am doing may have to change (although for a little while at least, that hasn't been the case). I'll let you know how the whole planning-my-meals thing goes!

An Elephant Never Forgets

I have had this fascination with Babar since I was a kid and it was the only thing that had my name associated with it (Queen Celeste). So when I was in my practice this morning and totally left out purvottasana, I couldn't help but think that if I were an elephant doing yoga, this would never happen (an elephant never forgets). And then I must have been thinking about forgetting poses while I was practicing and then totally forgot to do upavista konasana.

Those yoga elephants in Babar really seem to have their stuff together and their lives sorted out. I bet if I hung around those dudes more, their rememberfulness (yes...rememberfulness) might rub off on me a little bit.

Plus it totally looks like they are wearing either white ballet flats or white tennis socks to practice. Maybe this is their secret...

Poetry in the Lanes

I was walking to school this morning and decided to take a different route. There are not that many different ways to get to school - it's one turn and then a long straight 4 blocks...but there is a laneway that I decided to explore...have you heard of it? BpNichol Lane they call it and it is just about as cute as button.

I actually wanted to explore the lane way to see this poem that was printed in the concrete:

After realizing how many amazing things exist in my neighborhood, I started to realize how sometimes getting into one of those ruts of the mind can prevent us from finding poetry in the lane ways. How switching thing up a bit: time of practice, day of practice, kind of practice, place where you mat goes, what you think about while you practice, etc, can really open things up for you in new directions.

We have to stay on our toes, but then again, if you are always staying on your toes, finding the poetry in the lane way may not feel that revelatory.

Thanks BpNichol!

Touchy Touchy

I just want to put it out there: yoga people make incredible friends and an incredible community of people to be a part of! I spent my evening last night at a Moksha workshop for hands-on adjustments and I had the best time. Not just because I got to hang out for two hours with some wonderful people that make my insides smile, but also because it was great to share knowledge with other experienced teachers.

Annette and Michelle have a great way of being delightfully inappropriate and funny...because let's face it, hands-on adjustments can be a pretty touchy subject (and yes, pun totally intended). I've had students in class request to get a push on their lower back (sometimes some students ask for that one every time, which gets to be a bit much) and then other students who specifically tell me that they DO NOT want to be touched. With any aspect of teaching, the more you do it, the better you get and the more confident you become with your practice. And then you can become too confident or just not be aware of your own energy while you are teaching. I couldn't help but think of this picture I saw once through the entire workshop:

I pray that while teaching I never do harm and that whatever adjustments I do are either neutral or for my students' benefit.

I also pray that this photo is actually photoshoped...

Oh and if you want to check out the workshop I speak of, it's recorded live and can be found here: http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/5793191

Creepy Yoga Girl

I remember reading someone's book report on an Iyengar book (sorry, can't remember what one) that said when you are practicing, you should be so focused that you should not even notice what colour the person next to you is wearing.

Thanks Iyengar.

But the reality is, sometimes I can't help but notice my practice neighbor. Especially when they are doing weird / interesting / noticeable / bizarro things.  Okay, perhaps I haven't turned into a full fledged yoga creeper (aka: Ogden in the picture below) - but those wandering eyes of mine have to smarten up.

I find it challenging (right now) when I am going through the series on my own and the person next to me is on the same pose. If they go a little faster, I get worried that I am taking too long of breaths and then if they are slowing down, I get worried that I am going too fast.

And then I had an AHA moment in the middle of my practice, when I remembered my struggles with doing something awesome and no streamers falling from the sky...if my practice neighbor goes fast or slow or stops or skips a pose ... nothing will happen. The tricky thing is to take that understanding and move it out of just understanding it cognitively and actually practicing it. Good thing I'll be back at it again shortly!

That's Hard!

Backbends this morning - specifically drop backs from tadasana to urdhva dhanurasana brought a lot of stuff up. More than the normal feelings of "am I going to barf?" to "whoah...I all of a sudden want to hide under my mat and cry". I had the insight to tell DR that I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. Except what I said was: This is hard...to which DR replied...That's just the default now though. You know that. So move past it. If I had the capacity to at that time, I would have done that cool finger snapping thing that people with way more dexterity can pull off...

And this made me wonder why we feel the need to point out that this is hard, when that is clearly obvious. Is it a way for us to say "dude, take pity on me?" or is it more a communication of "look what I am doing? Isn't this worth praise?" - I am feeling good about moving past saying that's hard whenever DR gives me a correction (ie; telling me how to do a pose with alignment or deeper), but to move past needing acknowledgment of my hardcore efforts I think is another story.

For example, sfter this after the backbending episode (which DR was super cool about and then gave me the Cadilliac version of a fully supported backbend...it felt like luxury town), I  rocked out at my sirasana and my half pike version of that pose (what's it called?) - I looked around to see if anyone caught my awesomeness in action...and nobody noticed. Duh. I don't know what I was expecting. Streamers? Balloons? A high five? Someone in the corner saying That's Hard! - but when nobody batted an eye, it reminded me of how I really need to get over myself. I'm not that big of a deal, even if I want to think that I am!

Don't you put it in your mouth...

Every morning, sometimes before I practice, sometimes in the middle of my practice, I say the following words with a room full of other people:

Vande gurunam caranaravinde
Sandarsita svatmasukhave bodhe
Nisreyase jangalikayamane
Samsara halahala mohasantyai

Abahu purusakaram
Sankhacakrasi dharinam
Sahasra sirasam svetam
Pranamami patanjalim
Om

And, even as I write this, I am embarrassed to admit, that for the better part of a year, I had NO CLUE what the heck any of this meant. Ya, I know. This is the internet era...if I want to access information, all I need to do is type something into Google and BOOM, there it is. But for some reason, I never bothered to look this up and went on my merry little way, chating and practicing...practicing and chanting...and then I looked it up and the actual translation was way weirder than what I had imagined! Here's the translation with my commentary:

I bow to the lotus feet of the guru

okay, I can get behind this, although I am a little worried about someone having lotus for feet - how can you do tadasana if you have feet flowers going on?
Who awakens insight into the happiness of pure Being

Score!
Who is the refuge, the jungle physician

What does that even mean...Jungle Phsycian? I'm sure this is one of those cultural context things...next time i am in India, I should ask someone on the street.
Who eliminates the delusion caused by
The poisonous herb of samara (conditioned existence)

 Oh conditioned existence...I'm going to miss you...oh wait, no I'm not...that's the whole point.

I prostrate before the sage Patanjali
Who has thousands of radiant, white heads
(in his form as the divine serpent, Ananta)
and who has, as far as him arms, assumed the form of a man
holding a conch shell (divine sound), a wheel (discuss of light,
representing infinite time) and a sword (discrimination).

Wha? Discuss of light? Why didn't Frank tell me that Patanjali had thousands of radiant white heads? Is Patanjali a white supremest? I'm so confused...oh wait...I know this part coming up...
Om

OOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!

 And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you shouldn't put unfamiliar things in your mouth without reading the packaging first...oh ignorance was bliss was nice when ignorance was an option...

The Joys of Distance Learning

While I was doing some project reading this Saturday afternoon, I was reflecting on how challenging these distance learning course projects are. I had a couple of projects from people from the India 2009 training, who are just wrapping up their projects now, who were commenting on the realities of completing their projects amidst being parents, running businesses, teaching full time, going through challenging life situations, and sometimes going to school. I just felt a surge, while reading this projects, of gratitude for the hard work of the people in our community.

These projects are hard work. They are designed to be challenging. But seeing students hand in project after project, while gracefully balancing the other challenges of their life, never ceases to inspire me.

Thank you for your work, teacher trainees, your effort and dedication to this practice does not go un-noticed (by me, or by your students)!

Minding the mind

I sat in the nook today, after coffee and a little reading from Diana Winston's Wide Awake. Half-day of mindfulness this morning before heading off to a conference for school.

I started with some hardcore loving kindness towards myself (may you be at peace, may you be happy, may you be free from suffering) and found it really useful (and hilarious) to label the bubbles that pushed loving kindness out of the big sky view of my mind: "thinking" (I wonder how great it will be when I can finally do headstand without the wall), "planning' (Yah, I should put my chocolate covered almonds into that glass jar and buy them in bulk next time), and "thinking" again (It's so great that I have this nook to sit in).

It made me laugh everytime I put a label on it. Once I labeled it and then realized that I was off in lala-land it floored me how I had no awareness to my thinking, planning, drifting-ness until well into the thought.

And then I started to wonder: what is doing that labeling? It was almost as if it was a separate part of the mind that came in and said "Ah! Gotcha! Thinking". And I know that this separation of my mind into different parts isn't quite right, but are those thoughts and plans that happen unconsciously what I usually think I AM and is the "real" I AM the part that is doing the noticing? Is there really an I AM? Or are they all just parts of the same illusion?

Help?!