i gots the wheel off the axel again

I have been avoiding my personal asana practice for about a week now and I am starting to feel the dukkha in my body build up. My bones feel little creekier, my muscles feel a little tighter, and although I am resting from practice to help heal an injured (or over used) shoulder, I am creating a lot of dukkha for myself by not staying active during this resting time (kind of an oxymoron, no?). During the 10 minute sit (on my living room chair) I focused on Les’s body decaying again and slowing turning into a pile of bones. I haven’t told her yet that I am doing this practice - I think it would freak her out, so for now it’s just between me and my good buddy, my breath.

Enough

Incredibly full day today. Early morning baseball game, followed by a double class. DId a 15 minute sit after my 5pm level two class. I really dig how teachers are being encouraged to stay in the room after they teach. It allows for the 10 minutes of sitting that my day didn’t have space for. Did a focus on the body as body today instead of the body as decaying body.

Felt like this picture kind of summed it up for me today.

You can be dead

Sat again and struggled through imagining my body as decaying. Tried to instead think about my partner’s body decaying and was able to notice my own attachments to non-eternal things a little more. Imagining someone’s body that is close to me gives me that reality check that I think the practice is going for.

Began my practice on the body dissolving and I noticed that it was hard to stay on that visualization. Not because it was uncomfortable, but because I didn’t feel any real emotional connection to it. I tried to keep coming back to imagining my body as a rotting corpse at various stages, but it didn’t really make an emotional impact on me. I didn’t really feel what I thought I should be feeling (the realization of how impermanant my body truly is). I was thinking about this after my meditation and I wondered if not ever seeing dead bodies has something to do with this. The only time I’ve ever really seen any is in the context of something on TV. I am always distanced from the experience and it always seems kind of...fake.

I had a big gap between classes today (taught the 10 and 12 at downtown and then the 8pm at Bloor West), so came home and got comfortable on my living room chair that has enough room to cross my legs. I am cool with doing the practice without back support, but I like doing the odd sit against the wall so there is less “stuff” to pull me out of my practice. I talked a little about that in my classes today: getting into “comfort grooves” and how there is nothing inherently wrong with it, but that it can lead to attachment down the road. Working through the 7th exercise again today - not totally connecting to it, but still exploring.

It was my sit this morning at 7 that reminded me that I didn’t do a sit yesterday (or a journal for that matter, so yesterday’s journal was written this morning). Felt myself getting pulled out of the present away from my breath, or body, or thoughts, and then came back. Felt myself getting pulled out again with feelings of guilt. Then reminded myself that it wasn’t useful. Then came back. This went on like this for about 17 minutes. Maybe the last 3 minutes were focused. During the sit I worked through the 7th exercise and tried the body scan - kept coming in and out of it, like a patient in a ICU coming in out of a coma. Sometimes it feels like I am only truly awake for a few moments at a time through the day. Sigh.

You know those days that get going early and then just keep on going? When I already have to wake up early, it is hard to find the energy to wake up earlier to bring myself to sit. I meant to do the sit when I came home in the evening, but I actually only realized that it didn’t happen until the next day. It felt like the entire day was free of mindfulness. I supposed that it makes it that much easier to appreciate my moments of mindfuless now that I see what life is like without it.

Early morning baseball game today, so did the sit at about 10am before the day began. I really noticed how hard it was to stay, not just focused, but awake. It seemed like all I could do just to be present - I gave focusing on my body as body a break for today.

One of my dear friend’s wedding today. Slept in a little this morning (had the insight that it would be a long night of dancing) and woke up at 10am and after a glass of lemon water, had my sit. I am noticing how much easier it is to do a sit when it is first thing in the morning. I really feel like I am at my “best” between the hours of 6am and 1pm. After that, it kind of feels like I turn into a werewolf or something and I am incapable of softening or getting anything done.

Home Sweet Home (illusion sweet illusion?)

Back home! Back in my bed! Back with Les! Woke up around 7 and while Les was still sleeping, did a 20 minute sit with my back against the wall to help keep my mind on my breath and body. I noticed when thoughts arose (noticing thoughts as thoughts) and also noticed when thoughts dissolved. I realized that these thoughts were dissolving just as often as they were arising, and did what I could to attach to neither the arising or the dissolving.

Friends and Sweets and Flights

Flying home today. Went out for cinnamon buns with Monique and then went to catch the plane. I really struggle with trying to find the 15-20 minutes when I am not in my “normal” routine. Boarded the plane, got comfortable, and before Elyse and I watch 17 Again on the flight home, I sat up tall in my seat, closed my eyes and observed my breath as my breath for 20 minutes. Also used this opportunity to notice where I was and that I was in the sky, miles above the earth and sent gratitude for the miracle of flight!

Struggles of Routine (or lack thereof)

Day two of the intensive. Found the energy to wake up 1/2 hour early. In theory this should be easier than it is, but having the willpower very early in the morning, when I am half awake is the practice side of things. Worked on being aware of the body as the body and the sensations that arose (specifically the muscles around the spine firing and softening). Revisited the 6th exercise and wondered a little about it: is it just being mindful of pretty much everything I do all the time. Decided to practice another mindful walk to the bus.

Settling in to the West Coast

First day of the Anusara Therapy training workshop and didn’t have a chance to do my sit in the morning. Used the time in the workshop hall between sessions to do a 15 minute sit. Focused on being aware of the breath as my breath. I find that this works well for about 5 minutes and then the rest of the time is spent reining my mind back in. Incorporated a walking meditation towards the bus after the intensive was over today and noticed I didn’t remember the Gatha and then got frustrated and then came back to the present moment and smiled, knowing that this is what the gatha was probably all about anyway.

Place: Monique's Bedroom
Circumstances: Early morning, before the shower
Practice: being aware of the breath as breath (shorties and longies)

I really liked how simple this practice was this morning, kept it really uncomplicated and straightforward. Have been reading a little before each sit in the morning while I have been away and I really like how it gives context for what I am doing while in the meditation.

Oh hi...

PLACE: Bedroom Floor
Circumstances: After just waking up.
Practice: Awareness of the body

I am finding that I am propping myself up against the wall for most of my sits lately. Not sure what this really means, but I like not having to be distracted by the sensations in my back. I think that introducing the sensations in my back slowly will happen shortly.

I was feeling a little mellow / melancholy in general this morning. Is my period coming? Do I have a lack of vitamin b12? Have I just been living in a basement too long? Sat into those feelings. Didn't really make them go away, but felt like I had to hide from them less. "Oh hi sadness. Come join in the practice".

PLACE: AYCT Spare Room
Practice: Being Aware of the Breath
Circumstances: Post Practice

I wrapped myself up in a blanket and felt a wee bit drifty and drafty today. Nothing to get too excited about, but it was a harder one to keep together.