Being Consumed by my Consumption?

I noticed today, on a walking meditation through our neighborhood, how easy it was to work out of my consumption habits wine. I realized that my holding on to the occasional drink was just a fabricated story in my head. And then I wondered how I could expand this practice to make it really more challenging for me. What else do I consume mindlessly? This short list came to my head:
Sugar (I think I am a sugar monster sometimes)
Coffee
Coffee with Sugar (Mmmmmmm)
Facebook (often, when writing email, I blink and without realizing it, I am wandering around in the halls of facebook, kind of like a sleepwaker who wakes up not realizing how she got there)

This mindful consumption practice for the last few days I have been enjoying but I think it is something that I want to slowly explore around a bit. I was aware that placing too many restrictions on myself might have a negative effect, but bringing mindfulness to ONE thing I consume habitually without thinking about it at time might be more beneficial. Like tackle one thing at a time.

Some Reflections on my Mindfulness Bells

Okay, so looking through these journals, I realize that I haven’t really spoke to my experiences with the micro-practices with the “bells of mindfulness”. I was using the DING from my computer whenever I got an email and the submarine-like BONG whenever I got a text message. For the first week when these DINGS and BONGS were going off, I actually started to feel resentment towards having to take a breath and remember where I was. It felt a little like a random “time-out” for not doing anything wrong. I was actually feeling like I was being punished...and I knew that this wasn’t the point, so I wondered if I needed to choose a mindfulness bell that was a little less random - which may go against the idea behind the bells, but it didn’t really feel like a good way to begin this kind of practice (I should at least start with a bell that felt sort of pleasant, and then work towards dealing with feeling angry at getting interrupted from what I was doing in life, I thought). So I switched it to a visual mindfulness bell, getting a red-light. I had been driving every morning to get to Mysore (the practice) and I would hit a few red-lights during the 5:45am drive. This actually felt more productive. Normally I would feel annoyance arising when I was confronted with a red light, but now, coming back to the breath, remembering this was a good moment, and using the moment to actually be AWARE when driving (novel idea, I know) felt really productive and not like a time out at all. So lately, on days when I am not driving, I still use the DINGS and BONGS, but I have been feeling more benefits from my visual bell, my sparring partner, the red light.

And I'm Back

sickness is an interesting experience in mindfulness. When my body was too sore and ragged to sit and focus on my breath, it was a practice to incorporate mindfulness into breathing in warm water vapor from a bowl, sitting still in a bath with euycalyptus epsom salts or to practice non-attachment to my idea of being healthy.

This morning though I was able to sit. I woke up early again (5am) and gave myself permission to sit for a shorter amount of time. Although I find there is less activity in my mind at 5am, I find it challenging not to fall back asleep. Asana is similar - there is calm stillness about my movement and breath, but also a lethargy (is the lethargy really just that calmness?) Am I only calm when it is early in the day? When I am calm is it only due to my sleepiness? Huh...

Mindful Consumption Begins Today

Began an exploration of mindful consumption today. I actually struggled a little bit about how this would take shape in my life - what do I do unmindfully that I would eliminate in my life? I was even projecting forward to my friend’s get together and not drinking wine while people went out dancing. And the I realized how silly this was, to be attached to the idea of consuming alcohol in order to enjoy myself. My first challenge with mindful consumption would have to involve not consuming alcohol.

Not so mindful consumption

Good morning!

Time: 5am
Place: Kitchen Floor
Circumstance: After an evening of not so mindful consumption.

I sat down to what felt like nausea and dizziness on my cushion (oh! that is mine). Silently congratulating myself for actually sitting. Then letting that go, as it felt like my ego patting my ego on the back and that is just kind of weird. I thought a lot about mindful consumption and how it seems like boring land on one hand, but one the other, when I feel like this in the morning, I kind of get why it is important. You know how teenagers have a huge problem with understanding the idea of consequences, my own practice keeps coming back to this. Here we go!

Maybe I'm Getting Up Too Early

Time: 5ammmmmm
Place: Bathroom Floor
Circumstances: No reading this morning, looking at the candle, practice of joy.

The light that I use to read in the AM was not great for Les when she was trying to sleep, so I did my practice in the bathroom. 20 minutes went by really fast, but I also found myself pseudo-sleeping. It's hard to do a sit when you just wake up, I can't even imagine what it would be like at an ashram, waking up a 4am for meds. Wah!

My practice this morning was a little off. I was having a hard time being present with my breath. I would get into a pose and then almost forget where I was or what I was doing. I remember saying that if I practice too late in the day I'm practically useless, well, slowly discovering that too early produces equally interesting outcomes. It's still beneficial though.

Sleeping Awake

Time: 5am
Place: Living Room Floor
Circumstances: Looking at the flame, sitting on floor, with cushion, back against the wall.

I feel like at the end of the day, if this practice only makes me more awake and allows me the space to practice this skill, I will have been successful. I am catching myself more often now in sleeping-whilst-awake states. It is actually frightening how I can be doing something like drive the car while thinking about 40, 000 things at once.

I was telling Frank that I realized this practice is really just about making you okay with dying (being still, non-attachment, etc), but the more I think about it, this practice is also about making you okay with living too. It is incredible how we are living, but we're not really awake for most of it.

Place: Living room floor, against the wall
Time: 8:45am
Circumstances: Right after I got up, before I went to practice. Eyes open, with a candle burning.

Tried something new today to see if it helped cure a little of my "Gonewiththewind-itis". It's really incredible how this practice practically begs you to become a researcher of yourself. Observe, observe, observe, postulate, postulate, postulate, and then experiment, experiment, experiment. I concluded that the candle was a useful tool for practice and helped to keep me, maybe 20% (so scientific of me, I know) more focused. It's worth exploring again.

Later in the afternoon had an afternoon of mindfulness (about 2.5 hours). Spent the day in the park looking after two children with Les for a friend of ours. We strapped the 5 month old to me and Les took the 2 year old. The funny thing about the little baby strapped to me, was that if you stayed still for more than about 30 seconds, he would start to get fussy and eventually cry. Not a fun way to spend the day in the park. So I did a lot of mindful walking with him. Walked to the playground. Walked to the baseball diamond. Walked to the water. Walked back. After about 1.5 hours of gentle walking and singing (I decided that singing to a baby in the park is a great Sunday afternoon activity), I took him out of the snuggly, and saw he was getting less fussy and had those droopy baby eyes. Laid on the grass with him on my belly, and felt him breathing on my chest. Slowed my breathing right down and enjoyed being still with him for a little while. Mindfulness and children is not easy.

We never grow up

Place: Living room (futon this time)
Circumstances: 8:45am, just after reading a little bit and waking up
Practice: Same as the last few weeks

A few things arose in today's practice:

#1) Was actually noticing that I was cool with the joy part and the happiness part, but my mind would actually hesitate around the mental formations part...like some part of the mind knew that if I brought awareness to it, then I wouldn't get to play "Gone With The Wind" this morning. When I brought some awareness to it, it seemed to soften.

#2) There is a 4 year old little boy that lives above us (with his family as well) and he will often run from one end of the floor (our ceiling) screaming like a crazy person. This happens every morning for about an hour and then he may leave, the parents may sedate him, he has moved on to the next floor - I don't know - but it happens every morning. While I was extending my awareness to include him, I was fascinated by how alike my own mind this was. And how in essence, huge parts of us never leave that stage of running around and screaming - except now we just do it in our head.

#3) My mental formations felt like they were getting a little too exciting this morning. I am going to experiment with keeping my eyes partly open tomorrow to see if that helps.

I sat this morning around 6am before I went to my placement school for the morning. It is a moon day today and so didn't go to practice . Have to admit, it was really nice to have a slight sleep in (6am is sleep in...haha).

I took a break from the normal joy work and actually just let my thoughts go fallow for 17 minutes. Kind of like allowing the wild horses of my mind go free for a few minutes. Every so often when they went a little wild, I pulled them back in towards the breath, but after a few minutes of running around unbridled, they actually came to a steady striding pace instead of a gallop. Will come back to the regular practice tomorrow.

Practiced a little later this morning and noted how much easier it was to be aware of what was happening rather than at 5am.

Feel a little out of it this afternoon. I feel like I need more sleep.

Place: Living Room
Circumstances: 5:15am - right after wake up
Practice: same as yesterday

Not a whole lot to reflect on this morning, what I can say is that my dragon to slay today was one by the name of sleep. Even though I've been going to bed early, I was so sleepy during the sit, it took extra energy to just stay focused and awake. It was hard to observe "sleepiness is arising" instead of make a huge giant story up about it. Here we go!

Place: Living room chair
Circumstances: 5:15am, pre-practice
Practice: Joy, Happiness, Aware of mental formations calming mental formations

Before I do my sit, I am getting into the routine of doing some light reading to bring my practice into context. In addition to reading the selections of MY assigned, I have also been reading this one: Which, I tried to pick up about a year ago and I just wasn't getting into it. This time however, I am actually enjoying it and liking how it links up nicely with the mindfulness practice. While I was reading it, I really got to thinking how the ego does such a great job (as does the rest of the world) of distracting us from what is really important. I noticed that during my sit. I would be aware of the breath and feeling joy in the neutral spaces (sometimes it feels like those neutral spaces crystallize into joy), and then I start thinking about shoes, or toast, or what to wear today - and then I come back again. As if I am "napping awake" through my practice, but also my life, if I want to be honest.


I also noticed that I forgot my micro-practice three mornings in a row. This week I am dressing / undressing mindfully. I smiled when I told myself that mindfulness is remembering and remembering is sometimes half the battle.

School Begins Today

Place: Living room chair
Circumstances: 5:30am, pre-practice, first day of school
Practice: Joy, Happiness, Aware of mental formations calming mental formations

I noticed in both my sitting practice and my asana practice this morning were feeling a little flighty and distracted. I smiled each time I remembered to come back to the practice outlined in BREATHE (which is feeling really nice, by the way) and even though the time went by quickly with both my asana and my sit, they didn't feel as "in the zone" as some of my other days were. First day of school today and I noticed how I am attaching to the idea of getting up at 5am for practice and how I talked about this to my friends. As if I am somehow creating an identity for myself as someone who is dedicated to practicing and gets up early for this. Interesting how we create these stories about ourselves - as if to make that much more dukkha when this ceases to be true. Getting up early does not mean my identity has be wrapped up in this. Oh Ego, how you love defining yourself!

http://againstthestream.org/ - go here and check it out. Great podcasts!

The Phone Book

Place: Living Room cozy chair
Time: 20 min
Circumstances: Post-Asana, pre-coffee, post-nibbles.

Sitting with joy that arises
And then watching that turn into happiness
Then checking out the mental formations
And then letting the formations chill right down.

Loving this practice. Loving practicing daily again. Loving the morning. Loving the fall. It feels pretty good, and at the same time, I am coming back to the practice from BREATHE and just noticing the joy that comes up without really attaching to it.

I was talking with Les last night about the student who had to sit on a phone book for a pose and every day just ripped out one page, day after day, until eventually they could get right to the floor in the pose (I think suptavirasana). I was so touched by this idea of a practice, that it just happens by coming to it day by day and building on it as you go.

Happy Sitting

Place: Living Room
Time: 20 min or so
Circumstances: After doing some reading and chatting and sipping of the coffee

Don't we always say that what happens on your yoga mat mirrors what happens in your everyday life? I think I saw that the same is true when you are sitting. My sits are mirroring some things that I see arising in my lived life.

I was sitting, just began actually and Les (not looking up from her computer) interrupts with "Do you know that frien - oh shi...-sorry" and it took me about a full minute to bring myself back to my breath and not laugh. I noticed how easy I was to be distracted, how I wanted to smile to let Les know that it was okay, and that neither were really that important.

During the sit, I also found myself speeding through the practice at warp speed. Not sure why this started to happen, but after 3 or 4 breaths like this, I realized that I was just saying the ques to myself and not actually feeling them. I cannot count how many times I hold a pose for the requisite amount of time and then burst out of it like I am caught on fire. How many times I speed through traffic, without a real reason for the hurry, or the times when I race through my food, without really knowing what is happening. When I slowed down my thoughts in the sit, I actually could find where the joy was residing beneath my skin and I could feel how that joy would shift into happiness.

As always, very interesting experience.

Third Month Practice Starts Today

PLACE: Living room chair
Circumstances: Early morning
Practice: The second Four Exercises

I began the third month's practice this morning by doing some light reading through MY and BREATHE, as well as the month outline. The practice is starting to feel more comfortable. More normal even.

I used the "Second Four Exercises" from BREATHE for my practice this morning:

Breathing in I feel joyful. Breathing out, I feel joyful.
Breathing in I feel happy. Breathing out, I feel happy.
Breathing in I am aware of my mental formations, breathing out I am aware of my mental formations
Breathing in I calm my mental formations, breathing out I calm my mental formations

It was pretty awesome to start to notice the connection between what the body was feeling and what the mind was doing. Definitely much easier / more fruitful to play with this earlier in the morning.

Family Matters

Had a sleep in this morning. Thank Buddha - or thank my schedule maybe...? Regardless I awoke at 9, started some coffee and then nudged Les awake. We chatted for a bit and I invited her to my sit. Surprisingly (not sure why I was so surprised, she digs this stuff) she joined in. I read some Tolle outloud (just started A New Earth to see what the hype was all about) and then read outloud Hanh's Ex. 10 from T and H. We chatted about the "STUFF" we identify with and are attached to and our delusions of what brings joy and happiness. Laughed about the absurdity of what we will bring us happiness and then begin a sit. I liked this one, and I liked feeling aware of my choice to be happy. Somehow when it is a choice, a decision, something I can welcome into my experience, it doesn't seem so hard to have a life of happiness. It's not something that is bestowed on me from some external being (my boss, my partner, my friends, my bank account). Wah! Little break throughs make this practice much more worthwhile.

Speaking of little breakthroughs, my asana practice felt tremendous today. I did the sit pre-practice, which really helped me put everything into context. I chose happiness in each pose, even when that was brutally challenging. And amazingly enough, the asana (even these ones below)

Were smoother and had more of that quality of ease. I would send the Buddha a thank you card if that were possible.

I am just getting used to this "being in school thing" and waking up incredibly early for practicing. I got up at 5:45am and did practice and then went to school. During the first recess, I snuck out and found a quiet room in a seminar room at the end of the hall. Even though there were no distractions and it was a perfect moment for a sit, I had all kind of anxiety come up about someone finding me. This is only my second day at the school, and I didn't want to become the weird girl sitting in the conference room alone. I observed that I move through the practice almost like stages now. I start my observing the breath as the breath. Feel comfortable with that and then move on to the next 'stage'. I couldn't really get much deeper than breath as breath. But glad to know that it can happen while at school, though not ideal.

Present Day

Morning practice. Lemon tea. Sitting with feelings of joy as joy in the body and tried to say a few of the “mantras” from the T and H book. Sometimes it feels like I am forcing it a bit and then come back to what JJ says: fake it till you make it. I am breathing in and making my whole body calm and at peace. Or something like that.

Been doing the journaling thing in short hand this month and have really been struggling with the "get up and go"-ness that is needed to make this practice happen. It feels good to share this month's practices and feel a little more ready to share ideas and thoughts with other people. Sometimes I kind of want this to be a solitary sport instead of a team one. Even though I know the team keeps pushing me past my comfort zone, the one I probably wouldn't move out of on my own.

Committing to a more regular online journaling from here.

Weirdness

Had a day of mindfulness today before I taught a triple at MYdowntown. Cleaned my house and focused most of my attention on the spare storage room. Went for a 15 minute sit before leaving for the class. I think I probably got about 1/3 of the way through my scan from head to toe, noticing each part of my body as that part of my body and actually had a moment where I thought it would be great to be a corpse and not have this body to focus on so much. Weird thought.

Trappings of the Mind

Last day of the intensive. It was funny: the first day and a half of the training I spent trying to figure out who John Friend reminded me of and it was actually a challenging situation to observe. I was present, then I would get pulled away into the narrative “who the heck does this person remind me of” and trying to let that go felt like trying to take a bone away from a hungry dog. Did a sit after the intensive was over, before I met up with some friends for dinner. It felt like the 15 minutes flew by.

Struggling with the 10th exercise. What if I just can’t conjure up joy? What if just telling my body to be joy isn’t quite enough? Wanted to just sit in my feelings and almost dive into them, instead of run from them or avert from them. I think I need more time with this one.

your baby is decaying

Getting back into a regular asana practice is putting me in a much better mood. Have been feeling in a bit of a funk the last few days and feel like I am just now pulling my head out of it. Went to Jen’s 8am Moksha at MYBW yesterday and am planning on starting back up at AYCT tomorrow. This morning, drove to Kingston to visit my sister, bro-in-law, niece and then later my Mom. LOTS of family, requires extra mindfulness: did a 20 minute sit in the car while Les drove. Not the most ideal place to practice breathing and thinking about decaying bodies (please don’t decay just yet, Les, I need you to drive). On the way home did another sit (15 minutes this time) and thought about Lennon (my niece’s) body decaying. THAT was a mindfuck, considering she was just born less than a year ago. Pictured her growing into an old woman and decaying slowing in stages. Very challenging thing to just wrap my head around, let alone stay present with. Babies dying is maybe the worst thing to think about.

Day of mindfulness. Les’s parents coming over for dinner, so spent the afternoon hours cleaning our house top to bottom. Wanted to keep the music off, but Les isn’t doing the same practice as me, so used the aversion to the music as a practice of mindfulness in itself and then softened to the point where that dissolved. Once we had the place in decent shape, had a 15 minute sit on a clean carpet in the bedroom. Wondered about making an altar / regular sitting place in the house. Spare room maybe? Oh and practice felt okay today. Nothing major came up.

I think I look angered in this picture though. Sort of appropriate.

Just after I woke up, I played with a 30 min practice to see what would happen if I went longer. Got super antsy around the 15 minute mark. Checked my clock OFTEN around the 23 minute mark. Eased into it in the last three minutes or so. Went back to body as body, as I’m getting my fill of thinking about so many corpses. Aversion all the way.

Just when I felt like a groove was starting to form (is that a good thing) I get thrown off of it again. Went the whole day and only realized until the end that I didn’t have a practice. I guess the practice is sometimes not attaching to the practice too. So challenging.

Feeling like a bit of a routine is starting to take shape: I am waking up, having a cup of warm lemon water, doing my sit, moving on to any work and then the rest of my day. My 20 min sit this morning was fairly fluid and full of ease - I worked through the decomposing of the corpse again. Still challenging to make my way through the whole process - usually get to a point when I see Les’s skin start to decay and then I get distracted. I don’t feel uncomfortable by it, but my mind clearly wants to start thinking about something else.

your girlfriend is decaying

Feeling like a bit of a routine is starting to take shape: I am waking up, having a cup of warm lemon water, doing my sit, moving on to any work and then the rest of my day. My 20 min sit this morning was fairly fluid and full of ease - I worked through the decomposing of the corpse again. Still challenging to make my way through the whole process - usually get to a point when I see Les’s skin start to decay and then I get distracted. I don’t feel uncomfortable by it, but my mind clearly wants to start thinking about something else.

Before a 9am meeting at my school had a short (15 minute) sit in my closet on my zaffu. Although I set the intention to stay on the decaying body theme, my mind did some unraveling and by the time the alarm went off, I had no idea I had traveled off. Sleepy?